Emotional cheating is when you or your partner becomes emotionally connected with someone who isn’t your partner. It’s like sharing your heart with someone else — often in secret — and it can be devastating to your partner. Even if there’s no physical involvement, it can still feel like a major betrayal because you have broken the trust. Today, with social media and texting — technologies that didn’t exist three decades ago — we can get too close to someone before we even know what has happened. This article explores what emotional cheating is, how to recognize it, why it occurs, its impact on a relationship, and how to address it if it’s happening (or prevent it from happening in the first place).
Consider this: Your partner texts with a friend quite a bit, confiding wishes or fears, but talks with you in that manner no longer. You sense a gulf opening between the two of you, though you’re not sure why. This is more common than you might realize. Understanding emotional cheating can help you figure it out and keep your relationship going strong.
What is Emotional Cheating?
Emotional cheating, in comparison, occurs when one part of a relationship shares their thoughts, feelings, or even top secrets with someone else and not their partner. It’s often a friendship, perhaps with a co-worker or an online acquaintance. Still, it becomes a problem when it starts to detract from the primary relationship.” It’s not a physical act of cheating, in the kissing or more sense, but the secrecy and the closeness with someone else can hurt just as much.
What experts say is that Emotional cheating is having a deep emotional connection with another person (one you generally keep a secret from your partner) that causes issues in the relationship (Cleveland Clinic). It can last for weeks, months, and, yes, sometimes even years. You may often think about the other person, fantasize about being with them, or share things with them that you don’t share with your partner. It’s a secret, and it siphons your energy from your relationship, unlike a normal friendship.
For instance, if Sarah is talking to her co-worker Tom about the issues she’s having in her marriage rather than with her husband, and they’re exchanging texts till late into the night, then that’s called emotional cheating. The compartmentalization and dependence on Tom can weaken Sarah’s marriage. Another possibility is that Mike discusses his dreams with a friend online, but not with his girlfriend. This can backfire and cause his girlfriend pain if she catches on.
Signs of Emotional Cheating
Emotional cheating is hard to pin down because if you suspect your partner’s not physically cheating on you, your accusations are naturally going to be met with the #NotAllFriends argument: It looks a lot like a friendship. However, there are indicators of when someone has crossed the line. These are signs to keep an eye out for in your partner or yourself, according to VeryWellMind.
Signs You Might Be Emotionally Cheating
- Hiding Things: They hide who they’re talking to, for example, by deleting text messages or refusing to tell us who’s on the phone.
- Not So Close to You: They aren’t communicating their feelings to you like they once did.
- Claiming Someone Else is Better: They measure you up to someone and claim you can never be as good as them.
- Getting Upset When Asked: They become angry or defensive if you inquire about their friend.
- Spending More Time With Someone Else: They spend more time around another individual or conversing with them than they do with you.
- Sharing Secrets: They share personal things they don’t share with you with someone else.
- Less Loving: They’re less kind or affectionate with you.
- Increased Fighting: They argue with you more frequently.
- Guarding Their Phone: They have it locked and/or concealed near you.
- Your Gut Says Something’s Wrong: You feel something is wrong even if you don’t have evidence.
Signs You Might Be Emotionally Cheating
- Keeping secrets: You do not disclose your discussions with someone to your partner.
- Hiding Messages: You delete texts in this way so that your partner cannot see them.
- You Share More With Someone Else: You confide in another person more about how you feel than you do with your partner.
- They Get You: You believe this person understands you more than your partner does.
- Desire to Be With Them: You enjoy spending time with or talking to this person more than you do with your partner.
- Attempting to Use the Phone: You keep finding excuses to call or text them.
- Disconnected from Your Partner: You no longer feel a close connection to your partner.
- They Excite You: Talking to this person makes you happy or excited.
- Thinking They’re Better: The idealization of, you think this one’s better than your partner.
- Getting Mad When Asked: You become upset when your partner inquires about your friend.
For instance, when Lisa sees her spouse, John, cover his phone and talk excessively about a colleague, she might believe he is emotionally cheating. Or, if John enjoys texting his colleague more than he enjoys chatting with Lisa, maybe he’s doing something wrong. Another example: Sarah is erasing texts from Tom because she doesn’t want her boyfriend to see them. Those signs help you spot problems early, allowing you to address them.
Why These Emotional Cheating Signs Are Important?
Understanding the cheating signs matters because they show when a relationship is in trouble. Hiding things or feeling closer to someone else can break trust. If you see these signs, it’s a chance to talk and make things better before they get worse.
What are The Causes of Emotional Cheating?
There’s a reason people emotionally cheat, and it’s usually because something in the relationship is not right. Learning why can help you steer clear. Here, according to Brides, are the top reasons.
Not Communicating Enough
If the two of you don’t communicate how you feel, one or both of you could be speaking to someone else. Mike might chat with a friend who listens, for instance, if he feels lonely because his wife is constantly busy.
Feeling Overlooked
You may simply feel like your partner no longer values you and is seeking someone who gives you attention instead. For example, Sarah might confide in a colleague when her boyfriend never inquires about her day.
Boredom
If your relationship feels monotonous, you may be seeking excitement elsewhere. If John’s marriage feels uninspiring, he may derive pleasure from texting a fun friend, for example.
Work or Friends
Spending a great deal of time with co-workers or friends can cause you to feel close to them. For instance, Lisa may become too intimate with a colleague she interacts with daily.
Desire to Feel Good
When you’re not feeling good about yourself, you may want someone else to make you feel better. If Mike is down in the dumps, he may reach out to a friend who makes him feel good about himself.
The Anger Thing
If you’re mad at your partner, you might turn to someone else to ease the pain. For example, if her husband hurt her feelings, Sarah would text a friend.
Social Media
With Instagram or WhatsApp, you can easily message someone in secret. John might be dating online with another user that his wife wouldn’t know about.
Significant Life Changes
The new job and the baby can take a toll on your relationship, so you may seek support elsewhere. Lisa may chat with a friend when she’s feeling overwhelmed by new motherhood.
No Rules, Clear or Otherwise
If you don’t have rules in place about what’s acceptable to other people, you may become too close to someone. For instance, Mike may not know that texting a friend late at night is not sufficient.
You’re Unhappy
And what if you aren’t happy in it? You can find someone new (night changes). If she’s sad at home, Sarah may speak to a co-worker.
Why These Causes Matter?
These are the reasons why emotional cheating begins. Once you know what isn’t there, such as talking or feeling cared for, you can focus on that aspect. For instance, if Mike converses with his wife more, he may find that he no longer wants to chat with someone else. Solving these issues can also strengthen your relationship.
Impact of Emotional Cheating on Relationships
Emotional cheating can do plenty of damage to a relationship, sometimes more than the physical version. Here is how it impacts things, according to the Cleveland Clinic.
- Trust Is Lost: The Thing is, when it comes to your partner, if they can hide something, trust is gone. It seems as though they’re lying to you.
- You Feel Hurt: If your partner gives their heart to another, you’re likely to experience sadness, anger, or feelings of not being good enough. When Lisa discovers that John is close to a friend, for example, she breaks down.
- More Fights: You’ll disagree more because you’re angry or no longer trust each other. However, that creates a hostile dynamic in the relationship.
- Not feeling as close: You may just feel less close, with less hugging or talking. It feels like things are separating.
- It May Get Worse: Emotional adultery grows into physical adultery, which hurts even more.
- When You Don’t Get Along: You May Not Be a Good Pair. Some couples even break up.
- Feeling Like a Loser: The cheated-upon person might feel as though she isn’t enough. The cheater may feel bad.
- Friends and Family Notice: The people around you may notice the trouble and take a hand in it, which can make things worse.
For example, when Mike discovered that his girlfriend, Sarah, was gossiping about him to a colleague, he decided that she no longer loved him. They had numerous fights, and it took time to get things right. Another is Lisa, who felt like she was “dirt slime” when Tom texted his friend instead of her. The average person believes that emotional cheating is, indeed, real cheating, a study says (Institute for Family Studies), so it’s a bigger deal.
Why Does This Impact Hurt?
These effects are painful because trust and intimacy are what make relationships unique. There’s an uneasiness about them when they break — it’s hard to feel safe or happy. However, if you work on this together, you can heal and improve the relationship.
Emotional Cheating vs. Other Cheating
Well, Emotional cheating is not like a physical affair, which would include touching or physical love. Emotional cheating is about feelings, which many people consider to be more personal. It’s also distinct from micro-cheating, which involves “small things such as liking someone else’s photos on social media or a little bit of flirting,” as Dr. Goldstein put it. Micro-cheating is not quite as harmful, but it is still undesirable.
Some believe that emotional cheating is not harmful if there is no physical contact. Others, such as 80 percent of married people, call it real cheating in a study (Institute for Family Studies). This is why couples must discuss what they believe is acceptable.
For instance, Sarah may believe that it’s fine to text a friend, but her boyfriend may consider such behavior to be the same as cheating. Discussing rules can help prevent them.
How to Prevent Emotional Cheating?
You can prevent emotional cheating by maintaining a strong relationship and setting clear boundaries. Here are ways to respond to that, according to Brides.
- Chit-Chat Allot: Communicate how you feel with each other daily to stay connected. For instance, you can share the events of your day or your thoughts with your partner.
- Create Rules: Determine what is acceptable with other individuals, such as ‘don’t text a friend after 10 p.m.’ or ‘don’t share secrets with a friend.
- Spend time together: Engage in enjoyable activities, such as watching movies or taking a walk, to keep the spark alive in your relationship.
- Solve Splits Quickly: Address any problems as soon as you become upset, so you don’t let them fester and escalate into a much larger issue.
- Be Careful on Social Media: Think twice about who you’re reaching out to online – you don’t want anything more than just a casual relationship.
- Be Transparent: Share with your partner who your friends are, and what you discuss, so there’s no secrecy.
- Seek Help Early: Consider consulting a counselor if you reencounter the same issue.
- Be Aware of What You Need: Consider what you are looking for in a connection and express it to your partner.
- Avoid Risky Situations: If it feels wrong to be around someone at work or online, stay as far away as possible.
- Show Love: Remind your partner you feel attached to them, so they feel unique to you.
For example, John and Lisa have date night every week. They stay connected and aren’t as driven to talk to other people. Or, if Sarah has a personal policy not to text colleagues after hours, she’s in the clear. Maybe Mike should tell his girlfriend about his buddies so she doesn’t freak out. These steps preserve your relationship.
Why Prevention Works?
This is effective because it keeps you and your partner connected. You have less need to seek closeness elsewhere when you talk, spend time together, and have clear rules. It’s the same as building a strong fence around your relationship.
What to Do If Emotional Cheating Happens?
If emotional cheating occurs, the work makes it fixable. Here’s what to do:
- Admit It’s a Problem: You have to accept the fact that you’re guilty of emotional cheating, and it’s affecting your relationship.
- Speak Truthfully: Tell them what happened, why it happened, and how it feels to you. Don’t blame each other.
- Establish New Rules: Set clear rules, such as showing your phone or stopping talking to the person.
- Get Help: Speak with a counselor to learn how to rebuild trust (Cleveland Clinic).
- Building Trust: Be transparent and patient. It takes time to feel safe once more.
- Get the Why: Discuss what was lacking in your relationship so that you can rectify it.
- Stay Committed: The two of you must be committed to improving things.
For instance, when Tom admitted to his wife that he was “spending too much time” with a friend, they went to therapy and “talked it out.” They set rules about texting and worked on spending more time together. Another example: Sarah stopped speaking to her coworker and apologized to her boyfriend, and they began to have more honest conversations. It’s hard, but you can heal.
Can a Relationship Survive Emotional Cheating?
It can be done, yes; many relationships are better following emotional cheating. It takes work, such as honest communication, establishing rules, and possibly seeking the help of a therapist. However, if the answer is yes, and both people want to repair it, they can, over time, rebuild trust and a sense of closeness again. Some even say they’ve come out the other side stronger. But it isn’t easy, and both have to work at it.
Statistics on Emotional Cheating
Here’s what research says about emotional cheating (Institute for Family Studies):
| Fact | Percentage | Number of People | Source |
|---|---|---|---|
| Think secret emotional relationships are cheating | 76% | 2,000 adults | Institute for Family Studies |
| Think online secret emotional cheating is cheating | 25% | Women | Institute for Family Studies |
| Married people who say it’s cheating | 80% | Part of 2,000 | Institute for Family Studies |
| Had an emotional affair | 7% | 1,313 adults | Institute for Family Studies |
| Women who had emotional affairs | 56% | Part of survey | Institute for Family Studies |
FAQs
Is emotional cheating as bad as physical cheating?
Yes, it can hurt just as much because it breaks trust and closeness with your partner.
Can a relationship survive emotional cheating?
Yes, if you both work hard, talk openly, and maybe get help from a counselor.
How do I tell if my partner’s emotionally cheating?
Look for hiding things, less closeness, or them spending more time with someone else.
What should I do if I think it’s happening?
Talk to your partner calmly. If they listen, work on it together; if not, get help.
Can emotional cheating turn into physical cheating?
Sometimes, if the emotional connection grows and boundaries aren’t kept.
How do I stop emotional cheating?
Talk a lot, set rules, stay close, and fix problems fast.
Is a close friendship emotional cheating?
No, if it’s secret and doesn’t hurt your relationship.
How does social media cause emotional cheating?
It makes it easy to talk secretly with someone else.
Can therapy help with emotional cheating?
Yes, it helps you talk better and trust again.
Can I forgive emotional cheating?
Yes, if you both want to fix things and work on it.
Conslusion
Emotional cheating is a significant issue that can sink relationships because it leads to a fundamental loss of trust and intimacy. You need to recognize signals, such as secrecy or reduced intimacy, and understand why they occur, including failure to communicate properly or being ignored. You can stop it by talking to each other frequently, setting clear ground rules, and spending quality time together. If that does happen, be honest, create new ground rules, and become better with help. You will protect this relationship by sustaining trust and love. Relationships take effort, but they can endure if you tend to them.
I am Leslie B. May. I am a relationship expert with several years of experience. I run this blog to support people with different types of relationship problems and issues. In addition, I help people to get rid of psychological problems with simple but descriptive guides. Moreover, I love to write about tips and suggestions about relationships and help people decide wisely.
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