Things You Should Never Say to Your Spouse

Words are compelling in a marriage. One scornful word can fester, eroding trust and intimacy; one encouraging word can heal, bonding you together. It is essential to know what never to say to your spouse if you want to enjoy a healthy relationship, particularly for people in countries like the USA, Europe, and Australia, whose cultural influences affect communication. Studies show that bad communication is astringent in marriages, with negative patterns such as criticism and contempt predicting divorce (Journal of Marriage and Family). This guide delves into toxic phrases, their effects, and suggestions for more constructive communication, all gleaned from expert sources and research.

Key Points:

• The power of harmful words may not be immediately apparent, but they can rupture trust, respect, and intimacy in a marriage.
• Negative communication, such as criticism or contempt, is believed to predict relationship dissatisfaction (Journal of Marriage and Family).
• Reassuring options, such as “I” statements, create understanding and a sense of connection.
• Cultural sensitivity is important, as the impact of some of these phrases could be different in the USA, Europe, and Australia.
• Empathy is everything: Always, no matter how much you disagree, strive to validate your spouse’s feelings.

Why Do Words Matter?

The words you say to your spouse shape your spouse’s feelings and the strength of your marriage. A 2024 study found that 72% of U.S. adults are involved in a romantic relationship, and couples who can communicate are happier (South Denver Therapy). Saying hurtful things, insults, or threats can destroy trust. Not using these terms creates a safe and loving space for the partners.

What to Avoid?

Some words can hurt more than others. For instance, “You’re crazy” assaults your spouse’s character, while “I’m done” assaults the relationship. These are the words that can make your partner feel unloved or insecure. Instead, do your best to convey your feelings with kind, clear words. We’ve included the worst phrases and better ways of phrasing things below.

The Importance of Communication.

The foundation of a solid marriage is communication. 72% of all U.S. adults are currently in a romantic relationship and consider their partner their best friend, according to a 2024 report (South Denver Therapy). Relationships where couples try to spend time together and talk have happier outcomes. In contrast, negative communication erodes trust and intimacy, such as put-downs, blame, or dismissiveness. Contempt is one of the most significant predictors of divorce (Psychology Today), and it is often communicated via mean words and phrases. You create a safer, more loving partnership by not using hurtful words.

How to Communicate Better?

Instead of pointing fingers at your spouse, try saying, “I feel angry when…” Listen to their side and take a break if you are angry. Even during fights, demonstrating respect for one another will keep your marriage strong. If this is hard, you can learn new ways of talking and listening in couples therapy.

Harmful Phrases and Their Impact:

We break down the most harmful phrases below, explain why they trigger, and provide possible alternatives. This advice is based on expert, well-researched, tried, and accurate relationship advice from Dr. John Gottman, relationship studies, and common patterns that I’ve seen in marital conflicts.

Category 1: Phrases That Attack Character or Personality

Attacking your spouse’s character is one of the most destructive communication mistakes. Phrases like “You’re such a disappointment” or “You’re crazy” belittle your partner and undermine respect. Dr. John Gottman notes that contempt, including insults, is a leading cause of marital breakdown (Psychology Today). These phrases don’t address issues; they wound emotionally, creating resentment.

Why Avoid These? These phrases target identity, not behavior, leading to emotional distance.
Better Approach: Focus on specific actions and use “I” statements to express feelings without blame.

Category 2: Phrases That Dismiss or Invalidate Feelings

Dismissing your spouse’s emotions with phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “Calm down” signals that their feelings don’t matter. A  Journal of Marriage and Family study found that invalidation predicts relationship dissatisfaction (Journal of Marriage and Family). These phrases shut down communication, leaving your spouse feeling unheard.

Why Avoid These? They block emotional connection, fostering resentment.
Better Approach: Validate feelings, even if you disagree, to encourage open dialogue.

Category 3: Phrases That Threaten the Relationship

Threatening the marriage with phrases like “I’m done” or “I don’t love you anymore” creates fear and insecurity. The American Psychological Association reports that such threats often lead couples to seek therapy (Marcia Mediation). Even if said in anger, these words linger, damaging trust.

Why Avoid These? They make your spouse question the relationship’s future.
Better Approach: Pause heated conversations and revisit issues calmly.

Category 4: Phrases That Blame or Criticize

Blaming or criticizing with phrases like “It’s your fault” or “You always…” escalates conflicts and halts problem-solving. A study found that frequent criticism correlates with lower relationship satisfaction (PMC Study). These phrases make your spouse defensive and not cooperative.

Why Avoid These? They focus on blame, not solutions, creating a negative cycle.
Better Approach: Use “I” statements to express feelings and seek collaboration.

Category 5: Phrases That Show Disrespect or Contempt

Disrespectful phrases like “Shut up” or “You’re so stupid” express contempt, a major relationship destroyer. They convey a lack of respect and can cause lasting pain (Verywell Mind).

Why Avoid These? They erode trust and intimacy through disrespect.
Better Approach: Maintain respect, even in disagreements, to preserve the connection.

Category 6: Phrases That Create Misunderstanding

Phrases like “You should know how I feel” or “Nothing” (when upset) cause confusion and block communication. Clear dialogue is vital for connection (Better Health Channel).

Why Avoid These? They hinder understanding, leaving issues unresolved.
Better Approach: Be honest and direct to foster clarity and connection.

Strategies for Healthier Communication

To eliminate these phrases, cultivate these habits:

• Use “I” messages: Communicate feelings without blaming (for example, “It makes me angry when…”).
• Be an Active Listener: Promote your spouse’s words to let them know you are listening.
• Volume Control: Step back from arguments before shouting something unkind.
• Express Gratitude as Often as Possible: Remember to tell your spouse that you’re grateful for them.
• Try Therapy: Talking to a professional can enhance communication (Frontiers Study).

Cultural Considerations

Some words and phrases are just universally offensive to people. Still, different words can carry more weight in the US, Europe, and Australia. For instance, directness is prized in certain Western cultures but can seem callous in others. Consider your partner and talk about what feels respectful to each of you.

Conclusion

Never say these things to your spouse: those that assault character, diminish feelings, jeopardize the relationship, attribute disrespect, or confuse. That kind of talk can erode trust and intimacy, but positive communication — “I” statements, active listening, and respect — can heal and grow your marriage. Good communication is a skill that gets better the more you do it, so don’t sweat it. Consider resources such as The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson for more direction.

FAQs

Resources:

• Relationships and Communication | Better Health Channel
• Within-Couple Associations Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction
• How We Communicate Affects Our Relationship Satisfaction
• Does Couples’ Communication Predict Marital Satisfaction?
• Modern Relationship Statistics: Insights for Couples
• Couples, the Internet, and Social Media | Pew Research Center
• Communication in Relationships: Importance + How to Improve It
• Communication, the Heart of a Relationship: Examining Capitalization
• Lack of Communication is One of the Leading Causes of Divorce
• The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
• Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson